“TAF 2009 Reflection
So it’s a little over two weeks since TAF 2009 ended, but it feels like it was ages ago that we were all at Manchester College. Like many others, I’m sad that TAF is over, but at the same time, I’m so happy that I went this year, because it really was an amazing experience. I know I say that about TAF every year when I come home, but until this year, I don’t think I actually understood what makes TAF so special.
Pre-TAF/Sunday July 26
TAF 2009 was my sixth year at TAF, but before July 26th, I didn’t really want it to be. A few months before TAF, my mom told me she thought I was too old for TAF, and that made me wonder what exactly I’ve learned from TAF and why I go back year after year. I came to the conclusion, even though I kind of don’t want to believe it, that I’d been going all these years mostly to hang out with friends; not that I didn’t learn anything, because I learned a lot, but I usually forgot most of it when school began. Because of this, I figured since I was already registered for TAF 2009 I’d go, but I probably wouldn’t be back for TAF 2010.
Though I wasn’t very excited for TAF this year, I couldn’t help getting impatient for July 26th to come. When I flew back home from California the morning of TAF, the fact that TAF was here hadn’t hit me. I was happy, but nowhere near the kind of excited I’d been in past years. I remember thinking for a second that maybe this was a sign that this year wouldn’t be so great.
The bus ride was the same as usual—exciting at first, but annoying after the first hour or so. When we finally pulled into Manchester College, the fact that I was at TAF still hadn’t hit me. Walking from Oakwood to Helman almost felt like a dream. But when I walked in, I remember hugging Alison Yang and Christina, and remembering how good it felt to be around people who actually cared about me. For me, this is when TAF really began.
Sunday night was a crazy night, filled with reuniting with old friends and meeting new people. For dinner, thanks to the hospitality coordinators, we were all tied together for icebreakers. I’m glad we had that icebreaker, even though the ropes hurt after a while, because I don’t think I would have actually met Mayline, Godwin, and Jon otherwise, and they’re pretty awesome. We met our small groups that night too, and I was in the “beverages” group. I was so excited for small group, because that has always been one of the highlights of my past years at TAF. After small group, there was the ice cream social in the Helman great room, where I discovered that Eric’s name was not Ryan, and Alex promised to get me a bowl of ice cream and then forgot about it. When curfew came, we had our first coordinator meeting, and met the rest of Youth Staff. I think as Sunday came to an end, I began to remember how much I love being at TAF.
Small Group
To put it simply, I love my small group. We were Group 3: Bulbasaur Stinky Tofu Evolution, made up of Karen and Eric, the advisors, and Eddie, Katherine, Travis, Joe, Harry, Peter, Olivia, Carrie, and me. We were pretty awkward with each other at first probably due to the fact that many of us didn’t know each other at all. I was a little disappointed with the awkwardness in the beginning, because I really wanted us to trust each other, and become a support system for one another. I didn’t realize it until later in the week, but I really needed it. And as the week went on, we really did form bonds and became that support system. And I’m so thankful for that.
I can’t remember the exact day, but I think it was small group time after Bum’s session on Tuesday when we really began to bond as a small group. We were going around in a circle and sharing our thoughts, and I saw the trust everyone was putting in the group, which made me feel like I could too. When it was my turn, I just kind of broke down, and almost instantly, Joe and Karen were by my side. I think that was the first time in a while I knew for sure that I wasn’t alone. We had intense small group sessions after this one too, and it was such a memorable experience: us all in that moose room, letting everything out and knowing we could depend on each other.
Thank you so much Carrie, Joe, Eddie, Travis, Katherine, Olivia, Harry, Karen, and Eric for everything—and I hope that I contributed to your small group experience as much as you guys did to mine, because you were all a huuuuge part of what made this one week one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. You guys rock J
Speaker Sessions – Bum and Roger
Bum Kim is brilliant. Beyond brilliant, actually. The last time he was a speaker, I was still in JH, so I didn’t have the privilege to hear him speak. I’d heard he was awesome, so when Eddie told me he was coming back, I was glad—but the days before TAF, I didn’t have a positive mindset at all, and I didn’t know if I’d still be able to take anything away from the speaker sessions. Not only did Bum’s sessions prove me wrong, they made me think more than I had ever thought. He has this amazing ability to relate to everyone in the room, and it was awesome how he left discussion questions really open to the individual’s interpretation. I really appreciated how flexible he was with his sessions…who knows how many times I dragged choir time into his time. And it was awesome how he changed up his original plans to fit with what was happening during the week. It really proved that he knew what he was talking about.
Bum’s last speaker session on Friday was the one he changed after Identity Dialogue on Thursday. During Identity Dialogue, I shared a lot of things that I had been holding inside, but I felt so guilty that I was complaining about what was wrong in my life when there were people around me who were suffering even more. I didn’t know what to do. But Bum explained how our role is to be a “janitor” for other people—to be there for them, help them through, and to give them hope. He also shared a story about one of the hardest times he’d ever faced, and how he found hope. He told us that a way to find hope is to: 1) Face reality—I’m a mess and so is the world, 2) Ask and receive help from janitors (family, friends, counselors, God—Jesus, etc.), 3) Have aggressive accountability, 4) Repeat, and 5) When ready, become a janitor. There was also an analogy with water and cups—how when our cups are empty, we try to fill it with bad things like alcohol, how we’re all looking for others to help fill our cup, and how maybe just a little bit of water from our own cups can fill up someone else’s. Thanks so much to Bum, because though I don’t know if I went into TAF with an empty cup, I definitely came out with a full one.
Like last year, Youth was able to have a speaker session with JH’s speaker, Roger Lin, and as usual, it was a great session. We spent a lot of time discussing and sharing affirmations, first as the entire Youth program, and later in groups of six or seven. In the groups, Roger led a bunch of exercises like, “If you really knew me, you’d know …”, affirmations, and sharing a time we felt loved and a time we were hurt. Roger started off the last exercise by sharing his own story of when he was hurt, and it was so relatable to tons of people in the room. His story really hit me on a personal level, because before TAF, I had gone through something similar.
The group I was in wasn’t Bulbasaur S. Tofu Evolution, but I knew the majority of people from previous years at TAF. Despite that, I learned so much about every single one of them, and it really heartwarming to see us all pull together for each other, especially when we were sharing a time when we were hurt. So thanks to Roger, for leading another awesome speaker session, and Alice, Tiffany, Jon, Adrian, and Stephanie, for being an incredible small group J
Identity Dialogue
Identity Dialogue is usually one of my favorite parts of TAF, and this year, it exceeded the expectations I had. I loved the exercise with the coins and trays, because just hearing that there were other coins besides my own hitting the trays really emphasized that no one was alone and we were all in it together. This made me realize how much I had been bottling up inside. I opened up about my issues and cried a lot, as usual, but I still couldn’t help feeling terrible that I was crying about little things in comparison to what others were sharing. Nonetheless, the advisors did an amazing job putting the Identity Dialogue together, and it’s definitely one that I’ll remember for years to come.
Little Sib
As a second year youther, I think I had a little better idea of how special the Big Sib/Little Sib program is. Margaret was an awesome little sib, and I really admire how much she opened herself up to TAF even though this was her first year. I have to apologize though, for not being a better sibling…Margaret, thank you for being so freaking awesome and understanding of my ADD ways. I love you, girl!
Coordinating
This was my first year as a coordinator in Youth, and I just want to start this section with a shoutout to all of my fellow coordinators and Harmony and Alex for all those fun late-night meetings, and Alison and Mike for volunteering to play guitar in “Upside Down.” Mike and Alison, I know I wasn’t always prepared with music and lyrics for practice, so thanks for dealing with me being all ADD and everything.
So I was really happy that they chose me to coordinate choir this year, but I was so nervous. Selecting a song was a tough process…I asked tons of people for their opinions and I’m sure I got really annoying about it after a while, so thank you guys for dealing with me. In the few weeks leading up to TAF, I became so freaking scared to stand up there in front of everyone. But after each choir session, it really brightened my day that advisors, Harmony, Alex and even campers were telling me that they loved how choir was going. Thank you so much, all of you, for believing in me. J
Parent/Youth Dialogue
I’m surprised to say that I cried at this year’s Parent/Youth Dialogue. I don’t really know why it happened at that moment, but I guess just saying the words I wrote, not even to my dad, but to someone else’s dad made me realize how hurt I was. So minus the fact that I spent a lot of this workshop crying, I liked the Dialogue a lot.
But before I move on, I want to say thank you to Jeff, Eric, and Jess. After the Parent/Youth Dialogue, you guys stayed behind to listen to me cry about my issues with my parents, and that meant so much to me.
Suite 301
Ahhhhh, I can’t even begin to say how amazing Suite 301 was. I missed being roommates with Joy, but at the end of the day, seeing Alison, Stephanie, and Tiffany brightened my day all the same. Alison and I were in the same suite for the third year in a row, which was awesome. Stephanie was back too, so it was just like TAF ’07. I got to meet Tiffany, who I recognized from past years, but we’d never really had the chance to talk. Iris also came back for TAF weekend, and it was fun—blasting music and dancing around the suite, just like last year. Alison, thank you for letting me eat your food and take your water bottles and chopsticks. Tiff, thanks for dealing with my messiness and my bad habits of being really noisy coming in the room when you’re asleep and leaving my music on all night. Iris, thanks for being such a good friend and supporting me all the time, both at TAF and back home—I don’t give you enough credit for keeping me sane year-round. And Steph, thanks for suffering through all those late night newsletter writing sessions and choir practices with me. I’m so glad we really got to talk this year…you’re amazing.
Final Thoughts
I came into TAF this year with low expectations. I don’t know if it’s because of these low expectations that TAF was so amazing for me, but that just shows how sometimes, the best things are unexpected.
TAF had a huge impact on me this year. I feel like I’ve grown more in this one week than I have in the fifty one weeks since TAF 2008. I remember Joe shared an analogy about how coming to TAF is kind of like dropping off a bunch of heavy luggage that you’ve been carrying around all year. Coming into TAF, I didn’t realize how much I had been bottling up inside of me. But just being at TAF made me feel like I could get rid of all the heavy stuff I’d been carrying, and grow and learn at the same time. What really makes TAF so special is the way we all love each other unconditionally. The TAF atmosphere really is amazing…we know we can open ourselves up to people we’ve just met and be completely honest. It’s so hard to find something as amazing as this outside of TAF. I’m so glad that my parents found about TAF and forced me to go in 2003, because without TAF, I would not be the person I am today.
Like most people have said, we learn a lot and sprout (haha…) at TAF, but it’s how we take what we’ve learned and apply it in “the real world” that’s defines the impact of TAF. I’m glad to say that though I’m not exactly excited to be back in “the real world”, what I’ve learned this year has inspired me to be a “janitor” for people around me. I want to help fill someone else’s cup. It feels good to finally feel like I have a purpose in this world and to have hope. Was that cheesy? Probably…but at least it’s true J
So after reading my reflection over again, I noticed that I said a lot of thank yous. I hope it doesn’t contradict the fact that what will be bringing me back next year is not just the people at TAF, like in previous years, but also the program, because I want to give back to the program and help make it an amazing experience for others. I know for a fact though that this week would not have been as fulfilling if not for everyone at TAF, so I want to say a final thank you to everyone I met or knew prior this year for making this one week so wonderful. It was a week I’ll never forget. Hopefully, I’ll see everyone again at TAF 2010!”
This was Alicia’s sixth year at TAF, and she was part of the Youth program as a coordinator.
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